China Lab: The unbearable lightness of projects

Learning how to set and manage expectations is one of the most important skills in project management. Interesting enough, one never stops learning.

Before coming to MIT Sloan, I worked for more than four years managing global projects with over 30 stakeholders located all across the world--this is one of the few areas of knowledge where I considered having expertise. During the China Lab class, the experience of defining and freezing the project scope was not an issue for our team. In addition, thanks to the hard work of our Chinese teammates, our finished deliverable provided our host company with specific tools and sample documents to start the implementation of our recommendation—besides a list of next steps.

Nonetheless, there was not a milestone in our project plan to spend quality time with our teammates from China on their trip to the US—besides scheduled school work and group lunches. Additionally, that final week ended up being one of the most demanding times at Sloan during my first year and as it sometimes happens; lack of sleep and extra work knocked me down with fever during the weekend.

I set the expectations with my Chinese counterparts that my time was going to be very limited before they reached US ground and as a result of my sickness, they were candid and comprehensive with my even more limited situation. Nonetheless, this doesn’t remove the sense of guilt that they traveled literally half-across the globe and I couldn’t be the host I wanted to be.

So… what happens when the expectations are clearly set and defined… but the bitter taste doesn’t go away? My answer is simple: people are not projects--and setting expectations is not always the holy grail. On the positive side, people are not projects and deadlines are not set in stone. The fact that my teammates are not longer in American soil doesn't mean that our relationship cannot keep growing. People are not projects and I'm happy about having to deal with the heaviness of human relations.

China Lab: Note From The Future

2012 was the year I visited China for the first time in my life. I was part of an action oriented course at MIT in partnership with Xi’an Jiaotong University and stayed in Xi’an for two weeks. Funny that I still remember some vivid details of that experience as if I had just came back from there.

There was so much hype about the economical rising of China during those days! The believers kept talking about its impressive infrastructure, its growing middle class, and the remarkable attention to detail of the Chinese government. The detractors, on the other hand, kept pointing out the social fractures, the political oppression, and the language barriers.

When I reflect back on those days, it’s impossible to dismiss the prevalent egocentrism of many westerners on this topic—sadly; I was one of them. There is a Chinese Proverb that says “Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.” I failed many times at this. Even though English is my second language and I have an accent when I speak, I couldn’t stop getting frustrated by the complexities surrounding our project due to language and cultural barriers. At that time, I was blaming “them”.

Yes, I was blaming “them” even though I argued with some of my classmates that China didn’t have to learn English and didn’t have to adapt their traditions for our own convenience in order to succeed. I agreed at that time that a transitional period may be required, but it was clear to me that the balance could go either way. Even then, I still didn’t believe the average Joe—I mean—Wei had to learn English. Making that assumption was egocentric, but that was our world. We traveled the world expecting the world to understand and adapt to us.

Knowing what we know today and based on the role that China plays in the world, these arguments seem laughable—but at that time, we still didn’t know. We were so far behind that the question was not even if China was going to succeed by adapting to the world or adapting the world to her—we were still questioning if China was going to succeed at all. As we learned in our time there, China in Mandarin has the name of Zhong Guo, which means the "Middle Country" or "Middle Kingdom"—or as our Xi’an partners preferred to translate it: “The center of the Universe”. I guess the egocentrism was already present from both sides of the coin. In those circumstances, I can see why it was still difficult to make a sound prediction, but that was our world. We lived our lives expecting to get notes from the future clarifying exactly what was in front of our eyes.

China Lab: Creative Minds and Inquisitive Spirits

There were at least 40 people. I couldn’t see how big the crowd was as we were at least 50 feet away when we turned back. The protesters had multiple signs and were blocking a big intersection in Xi’an. Still in the car, I asked our iMBA partner if this was a common event in Xi’an. He told me if it were common, he wouldn’t know as news channels were not allowed to report on protesters. End of the conversation about this event. We were too far away to even know what the fuzz was about. No more questions were asked.
 
Experiencing the richness of a millenary culture has been a humbling experience for me. The food, the music, the architecture, the language and more importantly: the spirit and the resilience of people who are more than just past and present—they are future. There are over 1.3 billion people in China and among them—I believe—thousands and thousands of poets, writers, painters, thinkers, journalists, musicians: artists and intellectuals who live and act with no regard of conventional rules of behaviors. As we took a turn in our way to meet our client that morning, I couldn’t keep from wondering—Where are they? How long could this last? How long can these creative minds and inquisitive spirits be contained?

We arrived to our client and as we were presenting the initial data from our employee’s survey, something started bothering me. When we confidently said that 80% of the people agree or strongly agree with the statement “I feel comfortable approaching my direct supervisor when something is bothering me” as a highlight, I couldn’t keep but questioning our own data. Was this true? Were people comfortable expressing their opinions? We made sure the surveys were distributed and answered anonymously. There was no way to keep track of the answers to specific individuals. I had zero evidence to think otherwise. I decided not to bring the topic to the conversation and we kept the flow. The presentation ended and we started drafting our next set of goals for the project. No more questions were asked.

China Lab: Showing Face vs Saving Face

After our 30-hours long journey, the rough but promising sound of the baggage carousel at the Xi’an International Airport stopped along with our hopes of seeing our luggage. Being the only people left waiting, two concerned but helpful ladies approached to us. “Before arriving to Beijing, we flew from from Newark”—we told them. After a short but vivid discussion in Mandarin, they started walking away with our tickets: we decided to follow.

They entered a small room behind a lackluster customer service stand. We couldn’t see anything happening: no computers, no phones, no smiley faces---just a tall counter and some papers floating. I’m a very relaxed and patient person, but I started to doubt something was going to happen. The ladies were outside of my sight and no one was telling me “We’re working on this”, “Everything is going to be all right” or at least an acknowledgement that “We deal with these situations all the time”.

Ten minutes later, they came out of the small room: “We couldn’t communicate with Beijing”—they said. We filled out a complicated paper form and were told: “We will contact you later with more information”. We asked for estimated contact time, probabilities that the luggage was going to arrive the next day, or next steps. We received a blank stare and a simple but concise “We will contact you later with more information”.

That night, we reached our host in Xi’an and told her about our incident—as we provided her phone number as our contact number. We asked her to keep us updated as soon as she knew something. No answer for the next 10 hours. We asked the reception at the hotel to check with the airport if there were news about our luggage. No answer. Sigh.

When we saw our host for lunch, she calmly told us after some minutes of small talk: "Everything is fixed. Your luggage will arrive tonight. We already arranged the transportation to the hotel". This is when I remember our coach explaining to us the differences between “showing face” and “saving face”. I get it now.

We are used to be told what exactly is happening behind the curtains, to have the ability to track the status of every process we enter, and to have a smiley face holding our hands while we impatiently wait. Things may not work out at the end, but seeing the hard work during the process is very comforting and I like it, at least, I think I like it. I wonder now—wouldn’t be more comforting to know that things will work out at the end with no idea of what’s happening in between? I’m still trying to decide.

I am in China now.

Seis meses después

¿Algún día se terminará este sentimiento? ¿Algún dejaré de llorar por ti? Tal vez es la llegada del invierno, las largas noches o la primer nevada. Tal vez es el finalmente tener un par de días con un poco de tranquilidad. No lo sé, pero no he parado de llorar desde que escuché la canción "High and Low" de Greg Laswell.

I'm going to see some friends from out of state
The very trip you
were supposed to take a while ago but it fell through
Like all of you
Like all of you

Thought I'd make the drive but a free plane ride
is in the air
And just like that my fear of it disappeared
Like all of you
Like all of you

And I look high and low for yesterday
High and low
for you and I
High and low

Once I can see straight I might move
Somewhere cold
Seattle or the Bay area; to see your ghost
What's left of you
What's left of you

And I look high and low for yesterday
High and low for you and I
High and low

Found a letter from a man I might have met
Addressed to you
And I'll steal the words he ended with:
I miss you
And I do
Miss you
And I do

High and low for
yesterday
High and low for you and I
High and low

Hace días te soñé. Soñaba que te veía caminar frente a mí. Durante todo el sueño la angustia de verte y no saber qué hacer me consumió poco a poco. Durante el sueño, cuando te volví a ver, sólo te seguí con la mirada y te me fuiste una vez más.

Angustia masculina

Han pasado alrededor de 50 horas después de mi operación. Estoy mucho más calmado al saber que no ha habido más sangrado de lo esperado y que el dolor ha sido bastante leve gracias a las pastillas que me fueron recomendadas.

No he muerto y aún tengo la capacidad para aumentar de tamaño, al menos eso lo he comprobado al despertarme tanto Jueves como Viernes. No obstante, aún continúo muy nervioso.

Al mediodía, después de tomar mi primer baño, ya sin la gaza, observé con más detenimiento el causante de toda esta conmoción y no estoy seguro si lo que estoy viendo es normal o es algo pasajero. El doctor me comentó varias veces que me iba a asustar los primero días, ya que la hinchazón iba a ser bastante prominente. Vaya que lo estoy.

Punto final

Me cuesta tanto trabajo ponerle un punto final a esta etapa de mi vida. Han sido más de cinco años y no puedo desprenderme tan fácilmente. He venido haciéndolo durante los dos últimos años, y es finalmente hoy cuando todo termina.

Yo sé que esto lo hago por mi bien, sé que saldré adelante, sé que esto lo veré como un aprendizaje en el futuro. Hoy, hoy me siento destrozado. Me desmorono en pedacitos tan pequeños que no puedo distinguirlos. Me confundo con la tierra, con la alfombra, con quien he sido y con quien quiero ser.

Hice todo lo que pude. Me presenté de la manera más honesta que conozco, la más vulnerable. Lo hice sabiendo las consecuencias y no me arrepiento. Siempre he sabido luchar por lo que quiero, y esto es lo que más he querido en toda mi vida. Finalmente, es por lo que todas las demás batallas fueron peleadas.

Esta noche, en el aeropuerto de Houston me preguntaron en seguridad. "Are you feeling ok?" No exactamente -- les contesté. "Are you leaving someone behind?" Sí, y me cuesta el sólo escribirlo. No quiero dejarlo atrás, no quiero, no quiero, no quiero.

No quiero que deje ser parte de mi vida. Tal vez en el futuro pueda volver a ser mi amigo. Hoy no puede serlo. Hoy acabo de borrarlo en mi "facebook" -- y aunque parezca infantil, me ha dolido y me sigue doliendo. Tenía que hacerlo hoy, si no, sabía que no lo hubiese hecho mañana. El tener tanta información a las puntas de mis manos era una tortura. No tengo la suficiente fuerza de voluntad. No por el momento.

El cómo fué no podré describirlo en estos momentos. El amor de mi vida, como la conozco el día de hoy, se me ha marchado y me ha dejado un hueco que tendré que ir construyendo poco a poco. Ahora necesito a mis amigos. Necesito darle un giro positivo a estas heridas. Tengo por delante una vida entera. Una vida que, aunque la garganta se me cierre al pensarlo, una vida que tengo que planear sin Mike.

Desde Buenos Aires

People say you need to let your heart speak out and you’ll feel better. But today, I am not sure I can hear it anymore. I do feel it, but not vibrant, beating or wounded. Today, it is more like a numb arm. As long as I don’t move it, I don’t feel the pain.

Rechazado. Mendigando caricias. Suplicando la oportunidad de entregar mi cariño. Racionalizando el porqué merezco la felicidad. Humillado y reducido al trillado enamorado que no quiere aceptar que su tiempo terminó años atrás. No te culpo por no causarte el sentimiento de antaño. ¿Cómo puedo enamorarte si me he convertido en una triste caricatura de mi mismo? Puede ser que tú hayas sido el amor de mi vida, pero me queda claro que yo no soy el tuyo. Deseo con todas mis fuerzas detestarte. Sería más fácil. Tengo que conformarme con aceptar que no hay villano en esta historia, y que cuando mi nombre aparezca en tu historia, será como remembranza del amor que pudo ser y que no fue. Como un ideal y una fantasía que el tiempo desgastó, y que lamentablemente, no tiene compostura.

Te amo, y siempre te amaré dentro de mi corazón. Eso no lo puedo cambiar. Sé que te amaré hasta que mi vida termine, pero necesito también amarme a mí mismo y darme la oportunidad de amar a alguien que también me corresponda con la misma intensidad.

La calma

"The fruit falls only in its own time, since its weight has long been pulling it
toward the earth: this inner ripening is the only fataliy"

Alexis. Marguerite Yourcenar, P52

Una calma disfrazada de zozobra y de hastío. Después de varios meses donde mi tiempo fue consumido, contra mi voluntad, por actividades laborales; finalmente, en mi sosiego de esta mañana, tengo mucho miedo.

No sé qué esperar y al mismo tiempo, mi lista es interminable. Por un lado, espero todo, que supongo que es lo que uno espera cuando ama. Tengo que asegurarme que mi agitado, pero paciente corazón, sepa reconstruirse si se retira seco de este encuentro. Tengo que asegurarme de proporcionarle el calor necesario y una rehabilitación constante. Tengo que esperar nada, que es también lo que uno espera cuando ama.

Pero aún así, a pesar de todo, tengo esperanza.

As I Lay Dying

Hay libros que te cautivan por su singular estilo, otros por su prosa, mientras otros, por la universalidad de su historia. "As I Lay Dying" me cautivó en todos los sentidos. No sólo es el hecho de que es una historia narrada desde la perspectiva de más de 20 personajes, sino que cada personaje te la cuenta a través de su flujo de conciencia. Además, la prosa de Faulkner es ridículamente espectacular. Cada párrafo es una aventura donde el narrador no sólo te describe lo que sucede literalmente, pero la tragedia o belleza involucrada en lo que fue, en lo que es o en lo que representará para los personajes.

"She looks at Vardaman; her eyes, the life in them, rushing suddenly upon them; the two flames glare up for a steady instant. Then they go out as though someone had leaned down and blown upon them."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p48

"In the sand the wheels whisper, as though the very earth would hush our entry. We descend as the hill commences to rise."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p229

Es así que Faulkner no sólo nos presta sus ojos y oídos para contemplar la historia, pero nos adentra a través de todo ser vivo para prestarnos su sexto sentido por algunos momentos.

"The mules stand, their fore quarters already sloped a little, their rumps high. They too are breathing now with a deep groaning sound; looking back once, their gaze sweeps across us with in their eyes a wild, sad, profound and despairing quality as though they had already seen in the thick water the shape of the disaster which they could not speak and we could not see."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p147

Dentro de esta historia, hay pasajes llenos de honestidad y vulnerabilidad;

"I am not crying now. I am not anything. Dewey Dell comes to the hill and calls me. Vardaman. I am not anything. I am quiet. You, Vardaman. I can cry quiet now, feeling and hearing my tears."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p56

mientras que están aquellos de reclamo a la sociedad y a sus costumbres;

"It was as though, so long as the deceit ran along quiet and monotonous, all of us let ourselves be deceived, abetting it unawares or maybe through cowardice, since all people are cowards and naturally prefer any kind of treachery because it has a bland outside."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p134

"When he was born I knew that motherhood was invented by someone who had to have a word for it because the ones that had the children didn't care whether there was a word for it or not."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p171

"He had a word, too. Love, he called it. But I had been used to words for a long time. I knew that that word was like the others: just a shape to fill a lack; that when the right time came, you wouldn't need a word for that anymore than for pride or fear. Cash did not need to say it to me nor I to him, and I would say, Let Anse use it, if he wants to. So that it was Anse or love; love or Anse; it didn't matter."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p172

o los que simplemente acusan a sus semejantes por sus actitudes o acciones.

"I knew that nobody but a luckless man could ever need a doctor in the face of a cyclone. And I knew that if it had finally occurred to Anse himself that he needed one, it was already too late."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p42

"I notice how it takes a lazy man, a man that hates moving, to get set on moving once he does get started off, the same as he was set on staying still, like it aint the moving he hates so much as the starting and the stopping."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p114

"I would think of a sin as I would think of the clothes we both wore in the world's face, of the circumspection neccesary because he was he and I was I; the sin themore utter and terrible since he was the instrument ordained by God who created the sin, to sanctify that sin He had created."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p174

No obstante, nunca se pierde este sentido de reflexión durante toda la historia. Reflexión sobre quiénes somos y en dónde estamos.

"'Why aint I a town boy, pa?' I said. God made me. I did not said to God to made me in the country."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p66

"I don't know what I am. I don't know if I am or not. Jewel knows he is, becuase he does not know that he does not know whether he is or not."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p80

"It is as though the space between us were time: an irrevocable quality. It is as though time, no longer running straight before us in a diminishing line, now runs parallel between us like a looping string, the distance being the doubling accretion of the thread and not the inverval between."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p146

Y es gracias a estas continuas reflexiones de sus personajes y su evolución durante la historia, que "As I Lay Dying" se convierte en más allá que en la odisea de una familia en duelo; pero en una poderosa instrospección del comportamiento humano; de sus luces y sus sombras, y el constante cambio de reflectores.

"Sometimes I aint so sho who's got ere a right to say when a man is crazy and when he aint. Sometimes I think it aint none of us pure crazy and aint none of us pure sane until the balance of us talks him that-a-way. It's like it aint to much what a fellow does, but it's the way the majority of folks is looking at him when he does it."

Faulkner, William. "As I lay dying". p233

El tiempo lo cura todo

Estoy convencido que el tiempo lo cura todo. La incertidumbre no está en la solución, pero en la duración del método. No es cuestión de razón, ya que mis ríos o desplomes son irracionales, pero eso no los convierte en quimeras.

Frente a un sublime atardecer de diciembre, cierro mis ojos. Proclamo mi derecho a disfrutar del naranja en los árboles y del bermellón del sol, de la brisa que seca mis ojos y del crujir de mis estómagos.



Wait It On
Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around;
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
A Stumbling cliche case,
crumbled and puffy faced.
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want, only one street-level miracle.
I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
Well, We'll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
Around old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should be being
in the one life that we've got.

(Ah, Ah, Ah)

In the one life that we've got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out? sit Here?
Just going to Wait it out? Sit here cold?
Just going to sweat it out?
Wait it out.

Práctica

Hoy decidí hacer otro examen de prueba con más atención al tiempo y tengo que aceptar que sí tiene efecto, sobre todo en la cuestión de comprensión de lectura en el examen verbal; y en los últimos problemas en la parte cuantitativa.

Los resultados no fueron tan diferentes de mi anterior examen, pero sí me di cuenta que los nervios sí tuvieron efecto. Esta vez obtuve 520 en la parte Verbal y 780 en la Cuantitativa.

¿Mi filosofía? Seguir practicando -- al menos ya estoy en el rango que estoy buscando, aunque las preguntas cuantitativas de estos exámenes han estado muy fáciles y aún así he cometido errores. En fin. A seguirle.

Respiro

Después de dos semanas de arduo estudio, al parecer, ya no estoy tan en el hoyo. Debido a que no tengo acceso a demasiados exámenes computarizados, decidí hacer uno en papel. ¿Mis resultados? Mucho mejor que el primer intento.

En la parte cuantitativa obtuve 770 y en la verbal 550. Mucho mejor que la primera vez. Por supuesto, este resultado no lo puedo tomar como verdadero porque normalmente los exámenes en papel son más sencillos. Además, en la segunda parte de la parte cuantitativa, las dos últimas preguntas las contesté fuera de tiempo -- lo que me daría un 750 si no las hubiera contado como acertadas.

Me preocupa un poco la parte verbal, en el hecho de que varias preguntas en las que me equivoco utilizan sustantivos que no van a venir en las guías de estudio, ya que son sustantivos referentes a "cosas" -- no a sentimientos o actitudes, o que tienen un significado diferente al común. Por ejemplo:

coop: enclosure for poultry: an enclosure or hut in which poultry is kept
boring: excavating galleries in wood in feeding or in constructing a nest —used chiefly of an insect
die: any of various tools or devices for imparting a desired shape, form, or finish to a material or for impressing an object or material

En fin, esto no se acaba hasta que se acaba.

Miedo mil

Hoy me decidí a tomar el primer test de prueba del GRE a ver qué tal salía y mis resultados no fueron nada prometedores. En la parte cuantitativa obtuve 610 y en la verbal 410. Es decir, bienvenido a tuescuelita.com :S

Tengo varias semanas para prepararme y este resultado ha hecho que me ponga las pilas si en realidad quiero obtener 1300 (750 + 550). La verdad el examen me puso demasiado nervioso, tanto que terminé la sección cuantitativa con 10 minutos de sobra y la verbal con 5 minutos extras. Lo bueno es que cuando revisé la sección cuantitativa me di cuenta que 4 de las 8 respuestas equivocadas fueron por no leer bien.

1. No me di cuenta que en un problema usaban pies y pulgadas y todo lo calculé en base a pies
2. No me di cuenta que el enunciado decía "the larger of the two numbers" en lugar de sólo "the two numbers"
3. No me di cuenta que la gráfica decía "miles" en el eje de las y
4. Seleccioné la respuesta equivocada en la computadora (gracias)

Del resto, dos las pude haber resuelto con más tiempo (finalmente me sobraron diez minutos) y las otras dos sí mostraron deficiencias matemáticas que puedo mejorar.

En la cuestión verbal, ¿cómo empezar con todas las deficiencias? Malísimo para los antónimos y algo que la verdad no esperaba, para comprensión de lectura. Aunque mi vocabulario ha mejorado con la semana de estudio que llevo, aún me falta mucho. He aquí la lista de definiciones de palabras que de haber sabido, hubiera contestado correctamente los antónimos

• vain: excessively proud: excessively proud, especially of personal appearance
• subdue: repress emotions: to repress or control feelings
• beleaguered: to make somebody feel harassed, hemmed in, or under severe pressure
• moratorium: agreed period of delay: a formally agreed period during which an activity is halted or a planned activity is postponed
• askew: off center: at an angle
• dismay: alarm somebody: to fill somebody with alarm, apprehension, or distress
• animate: inspire somebody: to rouse or inspire somebody to take action or to have strong feelings
• enervate: weaken: to weaken somebody's physical, mental, or moral vitality

La verdad espero que este resultado mejore. Voy a necesitar mucha disciplina.

Brontosaurio Psíquico

Buenísimos.

Es bastante reconfortante saber que hay una comunidad que tiene un humor parecido al mío.

¿En sus marcas?

Me tomó varios días de preparación psicológica pero el miércoles 16 de Septiembre, para conmemorar la Independencia de México, decidí comenzar oficialmente mi preparación para el GRE.

Nunca me he preparado para un examen de este tipo en mi vida, por lo que no tengo la menor idea de cómo será mi resultado. La única experiencia similar que he tenido fue cuando presenté la versión mexicana del SAT para entrar a la preparatoria. En aquel entonces sólo tuve un fin de semana de preparación sin contar que no tenía mucha idea de los conceptos de trigonometría y mi resultado fue sobresaliente, pero no excepcional.

¿Qué resultado estoy pronosticando? Idealmente me gustaría estar en el 75% para tener suficientes opciones en mi elección de programa de posgrado. No obstante, el hecho de que el examen esté en inglés y que prácticamente me gradué hace seis años, me hace dudar mucho sobre mi posible rendimiento.

¿Listos?

Creo que no, pero si no comienzo, nunca lo estaré. Lo peor que puede pasar es que mi resultado sea malo y tenga que volver a presentarlo; y si aún así mi resultado sigue siendo malo --- bueno pues, ya me preocuparé para ese entonces.

De regreso

El reloj marcaba las 7:20 am cuando me desperté. La noche anterior me había asegurado que el despertador sonara a las siete en punto. Aunque mi esfuerzo hubiese sido en vano, aún tenía suficiente tiempo para tomar mi autobús. Me levanté, tomé un baño, me aseguré de agarrar un suéter y salí a la calle un poco adormilado. El aire era fresco y el gris del cielo no opacaba completamente el sol de la mañana.

Estoy de regreso en Seattle después de más de dos semanas fuera. No me siento triste por terminar mi viaje o por regresar a la rutina. Siento una especie de energía mezclada con tranquilidad que estoy decidido a aprovechar. Estoy de regreso en este espacio, después de meses de silencios y mi meta es finalmente estar de regreso en mi vida.

¿A quién engaño? Sigo enamorado de M como el primer día que lo conocí y nada lo ha cambiado. No el tiempo, no la lógica, no la distancia, no mis viajes. No enfocaré mis energías a enamorarme de alguien más o a desenamorarme. Enfocaré mis energías a ser una mejor persona y a disfrutar de mi vida honestamente.

Happiness

"It had seemed like the beginning of happiness, and Clarissa is still sometimes shocked, more than thirty years later, to realize that it was happiness; that the entire experience lay in a kiss and a walk, the anticipation of dinner and a book. [...] There is still that singular perfection, and it's perfect in part because it seemed, at time, so clearly to promise more. Now she knows: That was the moment, right then. There has been no other."

Cunninghan, Michael. The Hours. Page 98

Call me by your name

Cuando tomas un libro entre tus manos, la distancia entre tus ojos y las páginas normalmente se desvanece y te trasportas a latitudes y épocas diferentes. No obstante, hay ocasiones en las que uno no viaja a pueblitos mediterráneos a principios de los 80s. En contraste, nos damos cuenta que uno de esos pueblitos italianos ya vivía dentro de nosotros, y sólo lo estamos descubriendo en forma de palabras.

Hay historias que aunque tal vez no sean tuyas, las haces tuyas -- y esto me pasó con un pequeño librito que leí hace unas semanas llamado "Call me by your name" por André Aciman. Aunque no es una obra maestra literaria, sí es una lectura muy honesta y tierna que me fue prácticamente imposible dejar de leer de principio a fin en cuestión de horas.

Me captivó la inocencia del primer amor, de esa vez -- ajena a tu conocimiento, que descubriste fuerza donde sólo existían suspiros.

"He was waiting for me to say something. He was staring at me. This, I think, is the first time I dared myself to stare back at him. Usually, I'd cast a glance and then look away -- look away because I didn't want to swim in the lovely, clear pool of his eyes unless I'd been invited to -- and I never waited long enough to know whether I was even wanted there; look away because I was too scared to stare anyone back; look away because I didn't want to give anything away; look away because I couldn't aknowledge how much he mattered. Look away because that steely gaze of his always reminded me of how tall he stood and how far below him I ranked. Now, in the silence of the moment, I stared back, not to defy him, or to show I wasn't shy any longer, but to surrender, to tell him this is who I am, this is who you are, this is what I want, there is nothing but truth between us now, and where there's truth there are no barriers, no shifty glances, and if nothing comes of this, let it never be said that either os us was unaware of what might happen. I hadn't a hope left. And maybe I stared back because there wasn't a thing to lose now. I stared back with the all-knowing, I-dare-you-to-kiss-me-gaze of someone who both challenges and flees with one and the same gesture."

Aciman, André. "Call me by your name". p78

Me captivó la inocencia del primer amor, de esa vez -- ajena a tu conocimiento, que descubriste que tus expectativas son diferentes a las realidades.

"I felt like a child who, despite all manners of indirect pleas and hints, find himself unable to remind his parents they'd promised to take him to the toy store."

Aciman, André. "Call me by your name". p192

Me captivó la inocencia del primer amor, de esa vez -- ajena a tu conocimiento, que descubriste que quien más te ama, es también quien más daño puede causarte.

"It never ocurred to me that if one word from him could make me so happy, another could just as easily crush me"

Aciman, André. "Call me by your name". p49

Me captivó la inocencia del primer amor, de esa vez -- ajena a tu conocimiento, que ibas creando historia en tu vida, de ese momento en el presente que viviría por siempre en tu futuro.

"Any moment now we were going to say goodbye. Suddenly part of my life was going to be taken away from me now and would never be given back."

Aciman, André. "Call me by your name". p242

Sin embargo, en esta ocasión, en lugar de fomentar el sentimiento del amor primer amor perdido, me quedaré con una frase muy hermosa al comienzo de la historia. Frase que aunque es de nuestro conocimiento, olvidamos frecuentemente.

"P.S. We are not written for one instrument alone; I am not, neither are you."

Aciman, André. "Call me by your name". p13

If not later, when?

"This is my spot. All mine. I come here to read. I can't tell you the number of books I've read here."

"Do you like being alone?" he asked.

"No. No one likes being alone. But I've learned how to live with it."

Aciman, André. "Call me by your name". Page 76